Reminiscing

I am nothing but thankful

For your accompaniment along the miles

When my feet could not longer find footing

And my shoulders stooped beneath the weight

Of a thousand perceived failures and mistakes

When I could no longer take another step

I must have unconsciously sent out a divine flare

Because then you arrived, then you were there.

I did not mean to lean too heavily

On your compassionate arm, your good graces

To enjoy too richly the power of safe spaces

So easy to fall into the comfort of a beloved friend

Without seeing the reality of time and circumstance.

No matter the outcome, whatever may be,

I am so grateful that you walked with me

Familiar soul, beloved friend,

Whether this road is just beginning or at the end

May your path be bright, may your hope be strong

May you know there is a place where you belong

Forever grateful, forever dear

Safekeeping a healing light for you here.

Stardust

Only recently have I discovered

That I am made of stardust too,

Not just a haphazard concoction

Of leftover, dusty ingredients

Waiting to be selected on an abandoned shelf,

But a unique, good-hearted human being

Deserving and beloved as we all are

Instead of an anomaly on the outskirts

Looking in but never worthy of human experience.

Dear soul, I am not invisible

But I could not see my own reflection

I am not an unlovable being

But I could not love myself

I am not a waste of time or effort

But I could not invest in my wellbeing

It was never unworthiness

It was never a question of not enough

It was my own blindness to the good in me

Leaning too heavily on the external to validate

What I should have seen all along:

That I am made of stardust too.

Three Words

There are 100 ways to say “I love you,”

I said each one of them to you

Except for those three words

Never knowing if they would heal

Or if they would ultimately harm.

Funny how we say anything

But what we truly want to say,

Because there are certain words

That are etched in stone when spoken

With the power to encourage a heart

To either illuminate and glow

Or close off forever.

Underwater

It feels like floating underwater

Muffled noise, carried by the current

Heaviness pulling downward like an anchor

While the hollowness keeps us afloat

Feeling nothing and everything at once

And only occasionally coming up for air.

It’s those gasping breaths of oxygen that sting

Reminders that there is still life left to live

That we are feeling, sensitive beings

Swept beneath the current of the unexpected

Tossed by what we cannot control

Cold, afraid, lonely, confused, hopeless,

We break through the surface with a breath

Hoping it is for the very last time

Before we finally reach the shore.

Drawn Back

I am always glancing behind

Like an impulse, like a safety check.

Do I have the strength to keep moving?

Am I prepared to let go?

Making sure my intuition reinforces

What my mindless autopilot already knows,

That whenever I attempt to lunge forward

I am consistently propelled back

As if flung by an invisible barrier

As if magnetized back on track,

To my soul’s safest landing place

Where the hidden aches are finally seen

In the cobwebbed halls where healing occurred

Drawn to that space between reality and dream.

The Reality of the Stars

There are moments when we are transfixed

Pulled into a memory as if stolen from the present

The way we feel when we gaze up at an evening star

Mesmerized, awed, momentarily hopeful, and then…

Fettered back down to the heaviness of the present

Where the air is weighted, where life has broken our spirits

And that star, once so hopeful, seems chillingly far away

Wistfully shining, mockingly out of reach.

Lost & Found

Lost is where we we eventually find ourselves

Not from our external, but from our internal compass

When the noise of opinion and expectation silences

And the distraction of responsibilities no longer pulls,

Is when we begin to listen to what we need, what we know

Discovering the inner map leading to our breakthroughs.

Lost can be the catalyst for essential questions

Who am I? What is important? Where should I go?

When we realize that no one else can give the answers

That only exist within the corners of our souls.

Who are we listening to when we must decide the next step?

What are we allowing ourselves to be motivated by?

Where do we go when we are downtrodden and confused?

When do we know when our heart and mind align?

The In-Between

In the reflection of light off of the fallen snow

In the spaces between the stars that glimmer in the dark

In-between breaths, in the pause before an exhale

Is where I seek for deeper, underlying meaning.

In each sunset sigh of both awe and despair

When I feel both inspired and terrified by my existence

As my feet walk forward but my heart draws me back

I find the willpower to both disintegrate and accept.

In those precarious hours of sleeplessness

When the world is quiet but the mind is restless and loud,

I allow myself to open the vaults of hidden suffering

Trusting in the space in-between mind and soul.

New Years Wish

May your heavily burdened shoulders be lifted

May your tears fall freely with those you love

May what is hidden be unearthed with clarity

May you be guided by a purpose from above

May your lonely heart begin to find healing

May the road ahead unfold softly as you go

May you see the magnificence in you that I see

May you trust in what your soul already knows.

Walls Closing

I feel the walls closing in around the soft places of my heart

Unwittingly, without permission, as if by unconscious command

Whether to protect or to derail, I know not, dear soul,

Only that the corners of my mind still connected to hope are fading

And I am powerless to this unwanted fate.

Maybe it is better, in the end, to feel the gradual numbness grow

Than to succumb to a pain unlike any I have known

The sharp void of of knowing the truth, the inescapable truth,

Of my own flaws and losses combined into one perfect storm.

Eventually, healing will catch up to the fragmented heart pieces

Generating a battle-worn version, a guarded hologram of me,

Finding myself again in the hidden maze of life

Still soft, still loving, but never again the same.