When the Stars Fell

The first time the stars fell, I was horrified

As if the Earth itself had shifted on its tilted axis

Off kilter and haphazard with no end in sight

Where life before trauma would never return

And it did not.

The second, third, tenth, twentieth time the stars fell,

Fear retreated into numbness and normalcy

Used to the constant tug of gravity on shoulders

Where life before trauma felt like it never existed

Even though it had.

Now that I am safe and healing, falling stars still occur

Like reminders in my periphery of what happened

Replaying the same trauma tapes long boxed away

But they no longer have the power to abase

They are far away now

Only small specks on a canvas of stars.

The Challenge of Worthiness

Why is it such a challenge

To offer ourselves the same kindness we give to others?

Showing unwavering care for all human beings

While simultaneously torturing ourselves

With degrading words and punitive thoughts.

Injustices by others we automatically turn inward

Into unending attacks against our own character

Willingly taking the blame while blameless

The way we always had to do to keep the peace.

Some day, dear soul, I hope it will not feel so effortless

To absorb and reabsorb the pain of the world,

But until then, let us be kind to ourselves

With an overabundance of reassurance

That we are loved even when we do not feel deserving

We are trying even when we make mistakes

We are worthy even when we cannot see proof.

Now

Now is made up of a million past choices

Of words we said that opened hidden doors

Of words left unspoken that indirectly closed them

Of leaps into the dark with a miraculous landing

Of tiny steps in broad daylight leading to free-falling.

Not a soul among us would refuse an offer to go back

To say the words, take the leaps, close the doors,

But even if we could, dear soul, would we trade today?

Maybe we could rewrite our stories without pain

Rearrange the stars to align in our favor

But would life carry the same meaning to us

Without the errant turns and heartbreak?

Maybe life is less of a product of our actions

And more of an interactive learning space

Where all roads lead us back to now.

Worthiness

Worthiness became an evasive mirage

Unreachable as my authentic self

So I tried to transform into a mirror

Always reflecting back the good

Knowing the detriment of showing truth.

Worthiness was the illusion of being needed

People-pleasing to keep degradation at bay

Giving too much became my forcefield

To absorb the impact of disrupting peace.

Now, dear soul, I am wiser but ashamed

That in all the years of reflecting to others

I lost a million pieces of myself

Some that I may find, others lost forever

Paying the price for submissiveness

Slowly awakening to the eye-opening reality

That like you, I was born deserving

Valuable before the first breath

Lovable without conditions or price

Worthy in and of myself.

Accompanying Light

There has always been an accompanying light

Like a small, glowing lantern floating along

While the dark took me prisoner again and again

Determined that I was meant to struggle alone.

At first, I thought it was only mocking

Watching as I climbed and fell and climbed again

But I learned to trust in the presence of light

As a landmark to guide me back home.

I know I cannot prevent the catastrophes

When life is a tedious gauntlet we must run

But I take heart in the warmth of that steady glow

To guide me when my soul loses sight.

Time-Limited

What if we are all secretly hoping

For one more breath, for one more day?

Knowing our place on this unpredictable globe,

Some part of us understands we are time-limited

That change stumbles upon us unaware

Disrupting our equanimity in ripples and waves.

If the grains of sand in the hourglass are draining,

What if there is only today? Only now?

Then perhaps we would take a few deep breaths

Doing what we must, choosing what we must,

Saying the words to the ones who matter

Maximizing the meaningful moments

With what time we have left.

Heart Scars

Maybe my heart will always bear scars

And only as time passes the stinging becomes bearable

Than when it was still so close, so unspeakable.

Now there are words forming to describe the depths

Instead of wordless, directionless whirlpools in the dark.

There are tiny embers glowing to illuminate despair

Not erasing or diminishing, but bringing to life

The dimensions and layers of what hurt the most.

Maybe my heart will always bear scars

Like aching reminders of what I have learned and lost

Cautiously healing, at times re-experiencing,

Forever seeking rejuvenation and light.

Inside Each of Us

Inside each of us

Lives a younger, fearful version of ourselves

Still waiting for the words we never heard

Still longing for the approval we never received

Still mourning the loss of healthy attachment

Still believing the cause is our fundamental existence.

Within each of us

Lives a wisened, knowing version of ourselves

Saying softly the words we desperately need to hear

Quietly but determinedly offering our own approval

Loving the parts of us still bearing the heaviness of loss

Knowing on some level we were always enough.

The challenge, dear soul, is to implicitly learn

To listen to the opposite of what we were told

And to believe in it the way we believed them.

Let the Next Steps Forward Be Kind

Let the next steps forward be kind

A peaceful walk on a blank canvas of snow

With sunlight softening the edges of despair

Dispelling the illusions and confusions

So that only truth awaits.

Let this next walk of life be calm

The old ways of survival are no longer feasible

To our evolving minds, our healing hearts,

We can replace stagnancy with momentum

So that only healing awaits.